Promotional Tweets Are Dumb

Promotional tweets by companies or whoever are dumb, and it's good to know that others think so, as well.

Eat My Rotten Tomatoes: The Blues Brothers (1980)

Via

Hey, let's introduce a new feature, shall we?  Yes, yes we shall.

This is simply called Eat My Rotten Tomatoes, a feature where I will watch one of my favorite movies of all time, and then look up the critics responses on Rotten Tomatoes.  Basically, what this will boil down to is me yelling at imbecilic critics for giving my favorite movies a bad review.  HOW DARE YOU DEVALUE THE WORTH OF MY LIFE!!!  Plus, this gives me a forum to respond much longer and openly to critics on RottenTomatoes in a passive-aggressive Internet way that seems fun to maybe only me.  "Who cares?" you may ask.  Well, I do, so here we are.

The Blues Brothers (1980)
Starring: John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd

If you have never seen this movie, and like to laugh, you should watch it.  It's good.  THE BEST SNL inspired movie.  EVER.  PERIOD.  We can get into A Night at the Roxbury and Wayne's World (and probably Stuart Saves His Family if I ever watch it) one day, but not now.  It has everything.  Violence, humor, music... OH THE MUSIC!!!  If you hate everything about this movie, but like music, you will like this movie.  Aretha Franklin, James Brown, Ray Charles, Cab Calloway, the list goes on and on.  And that doesn't even include the Blues Brothers Band, which is solid in their own right.  And this is before the obvious celebrities were just there for a cameo and to collect a paycheck.  They actually play roles that move the story along (I know it's weird to say "celebrities" when referring to a major motion picture, but, for real, when put them up against the main characters of the film at that time, you can say "celebrities" and feel comfortable doing so).  It's wacky, yes, but that is the charm of the movie.  It's not supposed to necessarily be believable.  The Blues Brothers are on a "mission from God," and they go on a delightful quest to fulfill the mission objective.  It's a story of wish fulfillment, goal attaining, and human friendships/relationships all right there for everyone to enjoy.  It's not like films like Project X or Horrible Bosses in that something actually happens, there is a storyline, a point, and you don't find yourself saying "that's retarded" at something wild and outlandish.    IT. IS. AWESOME!

Alas, some pretentious critic-types think they are/were too good for the movie.  Here is their lame ass story.  (FYI: I only respond to the snippets, because, seriously, you and I have better things to do than read their full dumb comments).

Buzz Williams: Troll Genius

Buzz Williams two-stepping to "Country Roads" by John Denver after his Marquette Golden Eagles defeated the West Virginia Mountaineers in Morgantown.

This is Marquette head basketball coach Buzz Williams.  He danced in the middle of WVU Coliseum after to "Country Roads" by John Denver, you know, the song that goes "Take me home/Country roads/To the place/ I belong/ West Virginia..."  Yeah, that song.  In West Virginia.  After his team beat the Mountaineers.  In West Virginia.  In West Virginia.  IN WEST VIRGINIA.

That's awesome.  And ballsy, because West Virginians are crazy people.  Not all of them, mind you, just the college students.

Video below:

The best part about this video (well, moreso the extended video on Deadspin--link below), other than the dance, because wow, is the student section reaction.  Oh man, were they upset.  Especially one guy, who I have chronicled throughout "Buzz Dance-gate."

Can't Repeat the Past? This Is the Fourth Film Incarnation of Gatsby!

So, I meant to do this about a month ago.  My bad.

No, no, no.  Haven't you ever seen a movie poster?  You're supposed to be standing in random places, looking away like you don't care.

Today's Character: Jay Gatsby (James Gatz)

Luhrmann's Gatsby: Leonardo DiCaprio

Past Gatsbys: Alan Ladd, Robert Redford, Toby Stephens

Not a bad choice.  DiCaprio can play a playboy and has done it in the past.  But he has come a long way from the days of Titanic where he is just sooo dreamy and doesn’t have to rely on actual acting.  This is good because, like the book, he will not stand out as soon as he walks on screen.  I mean, he will, because he is Leonardo DiCaprio, but it is easier to believe that Daisy would have let him go in kayfabe.

Pros:  Grown as an actor, does not command screen as in earlier work, own unique style brought to the role, American actor, can play a rich guy in real life and in movies

Cons:  Did “The Aviator” and “Catch Me If You Can” and those movies were annoying, “The Beach” also sucked but was a long time ago

The weird and peculiar qualities of the prior two film Gatsbi are their most endearing traits.  Redford could play a creepy stalker Gatsby without being all rapey because he is Robert freakin’ Redford.  It’s hard to see him as a “creeper” when you are also thinking “day-umm, he look fine” at the same time.  But, it did not detract much from the fact that he was madly in love with Daisy, etc., etc.  Stephens was just kind of all around awkward, but that was his thing and it worked.  It worked because I believe that Mira Sorvino would say no to him.  Of course, when she realizes he GOT DEM DUCKETS the audience is supposed to forget that he cutt out newspaper clippings of her like a serial killer.  This also shows us the shallowness and emptiness of the upper class yada yada yada.  Maybe that is why Redford’s Gatsby works too well; he’s the proverbial total package, and Fitzgerald does not necessarily portray Gatsby that way.  But it works, and allow me to explain why with Gatsby’s Law:

dude + ample $$$ = woman (or lasting relationship)

But, if dude=x, ample $$$=a, and woman (or lasting relationship)=w, what if we add a variable y=weird, awkward, then:

Weird, awkward dude + ample $$$ = woman

If that is true, let’s add a variable z=semi-attractive, then:

Weird, awkward + semi-attractive (dude) + ample $$$ = woman

Wait, what if you take away variable a=ample $$$, thus:

Weird, awkward + semi-attractive (dude) + no $$$ = no woman

Why is this true?  Well, let’s look at Gatsby in his early twenties.  He had Daisy, then lost her because he did not have variable a (ample $$$).  So, no matter if the equation xyz was changed or manipulated in some way (for example, a new variable v=HOTT!!!, or variables yz are eliminated) Gatsby’s Law still would be true because what matters is that a=w.  Therefore, ample $$$ and woman (and vice versa, -a=-w) are potentially inclusive.  By adding a variable x (or xy, xyz, etc), the statement becomes a law.  Thus:

HOTT!!! dude + no money = no woman ß Not false according to Gatsby’s Law, but v has been added for z and does not fit the qualities of Gatsby.  A=W, and is true, thus this is why Robert Redford’s Gatsby works.

Repulsive dude (variable t) + ample $$$= woman ß Also true in Gatsby’s Law because of the same reason, but not in it’s perfect form.

But:

HOTT!!! dude + no money = woman ß False, because a does not equal w no matter what you add to a.

But, to make Gatsby’s Law perfect (aka Fitzgerald’s Law of Gatsby) is to put it in the same equation above: x+y(z)+a=w, where xyz=weird, semi-attractive dude.  This is because, well, that is how Gatsby is portrayed in the novel.  Thus, Toby Stephens’s xyz is perfect for Fitzgerald’s Gatsby, while Redford’s vz version still works.

And, yes, all women are untrustworthy gold diggers in this equation.  Deal with it.

Pretty simple, and believable in the novel and in life.  No money equals no Daisy, but ample money equals a caring, lovable, laughable Daisy.  Gatsby doesn’t have to be played by a strong, charismatic, or attractive actor because Gatsby is the everyman, albeit an decently attractive and affable everyman.  He comes from nothing to become nothing more than a bootlegger.  Of course, we don’t know that exactly, but he’s an elusive character we just don’t know a whole lot about by the time he is killed.  He’s your next-door neighbor, if your neighbor lived in a mansion.  He wants the good life with someone he loves, an American Dream, and he fails due to things slipping out of his sweaty, Cheeto-stained everyman grip.  He’s grandiose, extravagant, excessive, but easy to identify with.  He’s a man with a plan, who trusts the wrong people.  His plans go unfulfilled and crappy people go on living their lives, and the end of the novel leaves you with a feeling of emptiness.  Oh, and spoiler alert.

DiCaprio can’t go wrong, as long as Daisy’s character is executed well.  The two need to be able to work off of each other.  Farrow-Redford creates an atmosphere of odd, lost, confusing love between two people that don’t understand how the past few years led them to where they are, nor do they really know what the future holds.  And each actor makes that explicitly clear.

But, Daisy is a bad person, and Gatsby is just an innocent, addled male.  An innocent male who is eye candy for female moviegoers.  

For those scoring at home:

Law of Life: a=w

                    -a=-w

Gatsby’s Law: z+a=w

                z+(-a)=-w

Fitzgerald’s Law of Gatsby Relationships: x+y(z)+a=w

                                                                   x+y(z)+(-a)=-w

*I apologize for the math

Dancing Tostitos Bag > Talking Baby + Geico Gecko + Geico Caveman

The main character of the new Tostitos commercial.  Embrace it.  Love it.  Oh Look!  IT DANCES!!!

Kirk Herbstreit's "F--- It" Face

This morning on ESPN's College Gameday, Lee Corso dropped the "F--- It"-bomb while making his famed mascot head pick.  Below is the video:

Chris Fowler and Kirk Herstreit's reactions are great.  Fowler, always the company man, tries to disguise his laughter, but to no avail.  He's so shaken that he throws it to Dave Pasch in Columbus, when he is actually at Michigan Stadium.  Herbstreit, on the other hand, reacts in a way that usually results in milk shooting violently out of one's nose.  His "U CAN'T SAY THAT ON TV" face reminds me that Herbstreit is much different than other former QB analysts like Trent Dilfer, and why Dilfer sucks.  Herbstreit reacts like any regular college brah put in that situation, and that's why he does what he does.  In the world of Herbstreit faces, Corso's F-bomb rivals the spontaneity of an earthquake.

Kirk Herbstreit's Earthquake Face

Via SB Nation

Kirk Herbstreit's experienced the 5.(pick your decimal) earthquake in Oklahoma last night while live on the air.  His earthquake face looks like this:

Here is the video of Kirk live on the air (interview starts at about :50 seconds).

Oh wait, here it is.

I'm with Herbstreit on this one.  I wouldn't want to be at the highest point of a tall structure when an earthquake hits.  That just does not seem like a safe place to me.