Game 1: North Carolina @ South Carolina
North Carolina to cover 11 1/2 points: NOPE
Under 56 1/2 points: YEP
Final score: 27-10 South Carolina
Game 2: LA Tech @ NC State
LA Tech to cover 13 1/2: NOPE
Over 62 1/2 points: NOPE
Final score: 40-14 NC State
Damn Bryn Renner. All I needed was a garbage touchdown and his aimless scrambling left me five yards short. JUST LIKE A MAN!!!
This week's matchup is...wow...there are a lot of shitty games this week. Should be easy to take money, right!!!
Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles vs Nebraska Cornhuskers
Colorful matchup!
When: 5:00 PM CT
Where: Memorial Stadium, Lincoln, NE
History: Nebraska is 3-1 all time (meaning the last 15 years). It's 1/10 of the Michigan-Notre Dame rivalry! Tradition!
Significance: Southern Miss lost to Texas State last week despite quarterback Allan Bridgford throwing for 377 yards. Nebraska beat Wyoming last week despite Cowboys quarterback Brett Smith throwing for 383 yards and 4 TDs. So, if A=B and B=C, then A=C, right? RIGHT?
Essentially, this is a game that will either prove or disprove humanity's perception of mathematics. We shall call it the MATH BOWL!!!
Consensus Vegas Line (as of 6/7, noon CT): Nebraska by 28. Southern Miss covers, only because Nebraska misses an extra point. Nebraska 41, Southern Miss 14. The O/U is 58 1/2, so, no, that won't happen. This is Nebraska and Southern Miss. C'mon.
Question to Ponder: Why am I watching this?
What Else: Southern Mississippi's only win in this series was when Bill Callahan was the coach of the Cornhuskers. So that's hilarious and obvious.
No bonus game this week because Flubber is running low on funds. You can send money to the refugee camp where he will soon be living.
Introducing Flubber's College Football picks, where we here at Double Tapered will pick one game of significance and one bonus game to watch during every week of the NCAA* College Football season.
The game of significance will typically feature a game Flubber deems as a possible upset, or has a high probability of a spread getting covered. This is done using the foremost research in the various fields of science and you should not concern yourself with this matter any further.
Before we get started, play this video. PLAY IT!
Week One's Game Of Irrational Importance
The first game of the year•, y'all! Yay, football makes it's glorious return! All bad in the world will surely die away as football fans crack open their meat smokers and cases of PBR in what can only be described as the most reassuringly pleasant orgy of sound in the entire world. America exhales.
When: Thursday 8/29 at 5pm CT
Where: Columbia, SC
History: North Carolina leads the series 34-17-4. South Carolina won the last matchup in 2007 21-15 in North Carolina.
Significance: Battle of Charleston, SC, 1780. The British launch a "southern strategy" meant to arouse Loyalist sentiment in the South in hopes of laying the groundwork for a Northern invasion to recapture the colonies. This also happens during a time of instability within General George Washington's Continental Army in the North, and the Southern commander Benjamin Lincoln was left alone and largely responsible for the troops in the South. Lincoln feels the brunt of the British attack when they first take Savannah, GA in 1779, chasing Lincoln to Charleston. It was here he was held under siege in the command of a depleted Patriot militia. He lobbied the South Carolina legislature and George Washington for reinforcements, but none were offered. Lincoln was forced to surrender the town, giving the British a crucial port city to launch their Southern invasion.
Pick: Benjamin Lincoln and South Carolina take out their anger of Washington and the North's apathy on North Carolina; Southern politics are never the same.
Consensus Vegas Line^ (as of 8/26): SoCar -11 1/2. Oooo AIN' SHE A SEXY UPSET PICK! You like that pick, don't you? You would. Always finding every reason to shit all over the SEC. I'm sure you're all ready to explain how this is the year the SEC falls from grace. That TCU dismantles LSU, that Murray State embarrasses Mizzou, that Vandy's James Franklin has been full of shit this whole time, that an ACC school hangs with their bigger, stronger, richer, larger, meatier, state schoolier, dare I say SEXIER SEC brethren? No no no, this can't be. You may say "but but the history," to which I declare "Scoff on your history! And scoff on you! College football lives and breathes on SEC schools and the rest of the country is just filler material in bad meatloaf. If they would rather die they had better do it, and decrease the excess population! I DON'T REMEMBER ASKING YOU A GODDAMN THING."
No, wait. Hold up, you're right. North Carolina covers.
The point over/under is 56 1/2 according the the consensus line. These teams historically have not scored higher than 53 points since a 54 point output in 1974 (11 meetings ago), and you have to remember that football was much tougher and grittier back then. Go with the under. South Carolina 28-North Carolina 17.
Question to Ponder: Who decided putting black in the Tar Heels jersey was a good idea? It's 2013, my television is black; c'mon let's have some color.
What Else: South Carolina's Jadeveon Clowney did this once:
Hey, let's introduce a new feature, shall we? Yes, yes we shall.
This is simply called Eat My Rotten Tomatoes, a feature where I will watch one of my favorite movies of all time, and then look up the critics responses on Rotten Tomatoes. Basically, what this will boil down to is me yelling at imbecilic critics for giving my favorite movies a bad review. HOW DARE YOU DEVALUE THE WORTH OF MY LIFE!!! Plus, this gives me a forum to respond much longer and openly to critics on RottenTomatoes in a passive-aggressive Internet way that seems fun to maybe only me. "Who cares?" you may ask. Well, I do, so here we are.
If you have never seen this movie, and like to laugh, you should watch it. It's good. THE BEST SNL inspired movie. EVER. PERIOD. We can get into A Night at the Roxbury and Wayne's World (and probably Stuart Saves His Family if I ever watch it) one day, but not now. It has everything. Violence, humor, music... OH THE MUSIC!!! If you hate everything about this movie, but like music, you will like this movie. Aretha Franklin, James Brown, Ray Charles, Cab Calloway, the list goes on and on. And that doesn't even include the Blues Brothers Band, which is solid in their own right. And this is before the obvious celebrities were just there for a cameo and to collect a paycheck. They actually play roles that move the story along (I know it's weird to say "celebrities" when referring to a major motion picture, but, for real, when put them up against the main characters of the film at that time, you can say "celebrities" and feel comfortable doing so). It's wacky, yes, but that is the charm of the movie. It's not supposed to necessarily be believable. The Blues Brothers are on a "mission from God," and they go on a delightful quest to fulfill the mission objective. It's a story of wish fulfillment, goal attaining, and human friendships/relationships all right there for everyone to enjoy. It's not like films like Project X or Horrible Bosses in that something actually happens, there is a storyline, a point, and you don't find yourself saying "that's retarded" at something wild and outlandish. IT. IS. AWESOME!
Alas, some pretentious critic-types think they are/were too good for the movie. Here is their lame ass story. (FYI: I only respond to the snippets, because, seriously, you and I have better things to do than read their full dumb comments).
