Kirk Herbstreit's "F--- It" Face

This morning on ESPN's College Gameday, Lee Corso dropped the "F--- It"-bomb while making his famed mascot head pick.  Below is the video:

Chris Fowler and Kirk Herstreit's reactions are great.  Fowler, always the company man, tries to disguise his laughter, but to no avail.  He's so shaken that he throws it to Dave Pasch in Columbus, when he is actually at Michigan Stadium.  Herbstreit, on the other hand, reacts in a way that usually results in milk shooting violently out of one's nose.  His "U CAN'T SAY THAT ON TV" face reminds me that Herbstreit is much different than other former QB analysts like Trent Dilfer, and why Dilfer sucks.  Herbstreit reacts like any regular college brah put in that situation, and that's why he does what he does.  In the world of Herbstreit faces, Corso's F-bomb rivals the spontaneity of an earthquake.

Kirk Herbstreit's Earthquake Face

Via SB Nation

Kirk Herbstreit's experienced the 5.(pick your decimal) earthquake in Oklahoma last night while live on the air.  His earthquake face looks like this:

Here is the video of Kirk live on the air (interview starts at about :50 seconds).

Oh wait, here it is.

I'm with Herbstreit on this one.  I wouldn't want to be at the highest point of a tall structure when an earthquake hits.  That just does not seem like a safe place to me.

So, Let's Compare

So, Mizzou joined the SEC and blah blah.  Does it really matter?  The major networks (*cough*ESPN*cough*) and other rich dudes will soon find another money making scam within the world of college football, thus sparking another round of changes.  At least, that's what the optimist in me says.

Also, RIP 120 year Missouri-Kansas rivalry because of, you know, egos.  It's not like college athletics are about tradition or anything.  This is funny, though.  Bravo, Kansas.

So, because no one is totally full of BS, how about we look at the difference between the SEC's premature press release and real press release welcoming Mizzou to the conference.

SEC Press Release

SEC "fake" Press Release

Jump for colorful pictures.

College Football Defined

This.  No matter what your loyalties are in sports, this.

The best camera angle turns bad when the crowd goes ballistic and the stadium shakes.  When the official puts his arms in the air signaling touchdown, the stadium erupts and 70,000+ people become one booming noise of excitement and chaos.  And as a fan, you live for these moments of chaos.  Bravo Michigan State.

Now This Is Something I Can Get Behind

If you haven't heard about the Occupy Wall Street/I'm the 99% crowd, well, damn.  Watch TV or something, I don't know.  And while my grandma will try to argue that they are all pot smoking, jobless, abortion machines, it's probably better you get your news from a more reputable news source.

It's probably best to read the group's own mission statement and news here.
The BBC and CNN also have ongoing reports and junk, so there you go.

That being said, who cares about that when something much more important is happening on streets all across America.  Something that each and every American can get behind.  That is the Occupy Herbstreit movement.  It has already gone after NPR, the White House, Wall Street, and University of Maryland Terrapins tailgates.  It's spreading people, and you need to jump on board while it's still football season!  But really, this is kind of clever.  If nothing else, it's a good excuse to make different College Gameday signs that don't feature Justin Bieber or creepy Lee Corso.

Pushing You Around In Pink Clouds

Today's Character: Daisy Buchanan (née Fay)

Luhrmann's Daisy: Carey Mulligan

Betty Field, Mia Farrow, Mira Sorvino

This character is the one I feel myself really wanting to love, but then I remember that she is a heartless bitch that basically understands how her life is spiraling out of her control, and when she can do something about it she totally spaces on being a responsible human being 'n' shit and Gatsby and Wilson die and Tom acts like a major douche.  Totally weak sauce, if there ever was such a thing.  But, Daisy has everything a man (me) could ever want in a woman.  She has a beautiful voice, she's attractive, and she loves money.  If you call her (or me) superficial, I will find you (no I won't).  She walks that delicate balance between nice innocent woman that needs the care of a man and strong, power hungry chick who is much less clueless than she puts on.  Ah, Daisy, mi amore...

Anyway, who is Carey Mulligan?  I have not seen anything with her in it, or not that I know of, and that may be a good thing.  Mulligan is a non-American actress, so I am very intrigued as to how she will vocalize a Midwestern US accent.

Pros:  Fits the size and vocal tone of Daisy that Field and Farrow established, docile passivity and audio/visual characteristics are feminine and thus it is more understandable why she would defer to males given the historical period, not widely known so could define her career with Daisy

Cons:  non-American (you best bring da accent, ya heard!), can she act? (legitimate question, can she?  I don’t know), shouldn't attempt to be Farrow

I cannot say I like or dislike this pick.  It’s just kind of there.  With Mia Farrow, I mean, that was pretty solid casting.  She could act aloof and disconnected all while being really cute and likeable when she turned on the feminine charm.  It’s hard to hate her, even though you know you have to.  The ultimate male struggle.  How can you hate a woman so needy and attractive.  Daisy, I’ll help you raise your daughter!  Come away with me... 

Excuse me, anyway, Farrow is what Mulligan has to beat, but I don't mean she must compete to beat her.  She just has to be her own Daisy, like Farrow did.  Betty Field, the precursor to Farrow, did not command much stage presence but actually came off as a more needy Daisy.  She played the historical aspect of the role perfectly, but that didn't mean she also made the manipulation of the character believable.  I mean, she's still likable enough to feel torn about when to feel sorry for her.  Mira Sorvino also plays a decent Daisy, but she may have been the main weakness with the 2001 film version.  She seems more independent and not the dainty little Daisy that needs the help of a big strong man such those of her predecessors.  She did a lot to change my mind throughout the film, but her Daisy is just different than how I personally picture THE Daisy.  The part where she drives up in the car and introduces herself to Gatsby especially does not sit right with me.  I mean, women aren’t supposed to drive!!!  HARF HARF HARF!!!  But, really, they didn't drive much in the '20s.  But all is forgiven, because she is totally hot in that all white get-up.  So, thank you for that Mrs. Sorvino.

Okay, This Was Cool Wisconsin

Thank you Wisconsin for:

1. Not sucking as bad as I once believed
2. Whipping Nebraska
3. Knowing the words (for the most part) to "Build Me Up Buttercup" by The Foundations.  I'm a sucker for old R&B sang in unison at football stadiums.

You have made America proud.  Also, I'm a real big fan of cheese, so keep up the good work.

Video from field level:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnYCdKDI5hk

He’s Got His Wife Locked Up In There: Featuring Male Of The Year George Wilson

The Great Gatsby character review has been on a bit of a hiatus recently.  It’s nothing you did, so don’t worry.  I have been looking very closely at how I am judging the character selections, and have tried to figure out a coherent way to explain how and why I am doing this. 

Look, I am not trying to be too cynical in these reviews and say that everyone will suck.  Far from it (except for Tobey).  What I am trying to do is review each actor and see if they fit the profile of the character they are portraying in the book.  Australian or European or American actors aside, can they live up to their predecessors and the original?

For example: Robert Redford’s version of Jay Gatsby (née Gatz) was probably the best interpretation from the novel.  Just my opinion, but the other two were good, but on a different level of good.  Maybe it was the supporting cast, maybe it was what part of the theme was conveyed that made Redford look good; whatever it was, it worked.

So, what tools do Leonardo DiCapro bring to make his performance even better than Redford, thus making him an even closer representation to the actual character, thus retelling the book in visual form in the best way possible (I will get to this comparison another day)? 

That’s the question I am trying to answer.  So, with DeBicki, I can’t really answer that question, but I can say that she has potential to make the character truly hers because all she has at this point is potential.  She has things to live up to, but she isn't pigeonholed in the role because she is a character actress.  But, I can also say Tobey Maguire will be boring because he does that in a good majority of his movies.  Nick Carraway is not a boring character and he cannot exist as a boring character meant to drive/narrate a plot, and that is TRUTH.

So, if that wasn’t confusing enough, basically I:

• describe the character portrayed in the book
• look at past roles
• look at others’ performances of the same character
• infer their role in the greater theme of the story and see if this is a good fit for them
• infer if this role will then make the movie better as a whole
• offer up suggestions based on no personal experience in feature films

Bringing all of these things together, one can make a subjective assessment of how the character may act in the movie.  Also, yes, I may be a little cynical, but oh well.

Today’s character: George Wilson

Luhrmann’s George: Jason Clarke

Past Wilsons:  Howard da Silva, Scott Wilson, William Camp

Quote Of The Day: No Fat Chicks

Est-ce que tu as un plan ? Je me suis perdu dans tes yeux.

"You know what happens is a pretty girl walks down the aisle and you say, 'Boy, I'd like to take her to the prom.' But there's also one who's tried and true and you know is going to be there."

--Chuck Neinas, Interim Big XII Conference Commissioner 

Of course, he is speaking about Mizzou checkin' out that hotty the Southeastern Conference, with her strawberry blonde hair, and huge rack, and... uh, never mind.

This all would imply the Big XII is an ugly but loyal chick.  So, take that how you will.

How To Throw A Bitchin' Celebration

Prior to Saturday's Iowa-Iowa State in-state rivalry game, much ado was made about the new trophy depicting a farmer presenting a family with corn, because, you see, Iowa has corn.

So, since that was stupid and had nothing to do with football, or was not retro or vintage enough to be considered charming or cute, the Iowa Corn Association (?) scraped it and created an interim award.  And after the game on Saturday, they will need to find of a replacement again soon.

Iowa State, having only won the game twice in eight tries since 2003, won the game and threw an awesome party on the sidelines.  Now, I'm not a huge proponent of students rushing the field after marginal victories against decent rivals whom they have been competitive against in recent memory (i.e. Arizona State after beating Mizzou on Friday), but if a mob rushes the field and wrecks shit, then by all means enjoy yourself.  Click here to see the new interim trophy ripped in pieces and lost to history at the 1:50 mark (please disregard the stupid questioning by usually tactful Jim Knox.  That wins a nomination for the Lisa Salters most douche question award).

(Manipulated headline photo via)

This Crappy Commercial: April 2011-September 2011

"We are...an overused marketing gimmick!"

After airing over fifty billion times on multiple networks, this commercial needs to die now.  This white guy dancing was never funny, AT&T, and it has effectively made me hate advances in cellular phone technology.

Watch it here, because you have never seen it before...:

Via YouTube commenter sapher2020, something I had not thought about before but makes absolutely no sense.

"If the flash mob was moved to 12:30 then what are those other assholes doing there a half an hour early? Were they just planning on standing there for 30 minutes the whole time in their trench coats"

Yeah, no shit.  Assholes.  Flash mobs suck because of this...and punk kids.

(/scowls and shakes fist from porch)

 

So, A Hurricane Happened?

I'm from the Midwest, so these are the images that I see.  It looks like a lot of rain.

Also, it looks dangerous-ish.

Gross.

Pic via
Video 1 via
Video 2 via

Dear EA Sports; This Looks Dumb

If you have ever played an EA Sports created video game (i.e. Madden, NCAA Football, NHL Series, etc.) then you know that all too often EA will add certain elements to a game that completely overlook and take the place of simple gameplay adjustments that desperately need to be done to create a more 'realistic' experience for sedentary nerds like me.  In the football games it's usually the tackling, passing, catching animations, in the NHL games it's typically the hitting, poking, and invisible sticks when it comes to blocking pucks (defensive aspects), and the list goes on and on.

The Great Gatsby Arrives in Australia...

Today brought me a few The Great Gatsby links to share via this wonderful Facebook group that you simply must join.

Courtesy of Lainey Gossip, this is what the car will look like in the new Gatsby film.  That's a pass, it looks legit, like a rich guy would own it.  It also looks like it could be used for vehicular manslaughter...
Car comparisons after the jump.

This link explains the issue I have with the whole Australian aspect of the film better than I could.  So, thank you for that.

This is linked within the above story, for those who didn't click on the above story or the link within the story.  This recently razed house is apparently rumored to be what Fitzgerald based Daisy's East Egg house off of, which begs the question, "WHY DID THEY TEAR IT DOWN????"  If you are a history, art,  architecture, or literary buff, let me just warn you that those pictures of it coming down are really, really sad.

"This Just Proves to Me How Much We Just Do Not Know About How Our Earth Moves and Changes"

That is a quote from some guy from the show Good Morning America interviewed about his reaction to the colossal, earth-shattering (ha), mega earthquake that ripped apart the East Coast and sent the states of Virginia, Maryland, North Carolina, and for some reason Maine plunging into the Atlantic Oce...wait, oh that didn't happen.  Well, the quote is real, as he goes on to say that 'scientists' and their damn SCIENCE can't predict something like this, and so on and so forth... So, carry on.

The East Coast, all of California is ignoring you right now and calling you wusses.  California!

Myrtle Wilson Wants You To Throw Her Down And Beat Her

Before I begin, and while we are on the topic of movies, I have two things to say:

1. The top doesn’t fall down at the end of Inception, or maybe it does, either way the whole thing is a dream.  Too many unanswered questions, AMIRITE? (I know, this is about a year late...whatever)
2. Cowboys & Aliens reminded me of Blazing Saddles which is not a good thing.  Blazing Saddles is intentionally hilarious in a comedic sense, whereas Cowboys & Aliens takes itself pretty seriously and Harrison Ford is not funny.  But, it was better than Super 8, which was also a dream (I wish).

Now that we have that cleared up...

Myrtle Wilson: Isla Fisher

Shelley Winters, Karen Black, Heather Goldenhersh

Re-Broadcasting Major League Baseball With Implied Oral Consent

Clearly safe

Exhibit #2 for why I find it difficult and useless to get emotionally invested in Major League Baseball:  MLB Umpires (or in this case Jerry Meals).  I have many other examples that I would rather not relive at the moment, but this was pretty stupid (because no one EVER calls it because it isn't the rule), and most umpires are huge controlling douchebags.  Kind of ironic I am a Royals fan and they won the 1985 World Series on a bad umpiring call.... except that the Cardinals still had the chance to win game 6 in the 9th and, oh I don't know, score a run in game 7.  But other interpretations are fine.  My #1 reason to not become emotionally invested in the MLB: the financial situation, but that's business stuff and no one cares (because it's cool for the Yankees to outspend half the league by $100 million).

(Pic via)

She's Single, Likes Sports, and Hates Careless People, and Can Be Yours If the Price Is Right!

Today's character:  Jordan Baker

Luhrmann's Jordan:  Elizabeth Debicki

Past Ms. Baker's:  Ruth Hussey, Lois Chiles, Francie Swift

I don’t like Jordan Baker.  By the end of the book her character has annoyed me to such an extent Fitzgerald should have put her in the pool with Gatsby.  Please, do not get me wrong.  The awkward ‘new’ love affair she has with Nick contrasts beautifully with the awkward ‘old’ love affair going on between Daisy and Gatsby (along with other Old World vs. New World metaphors, regional differences, etc.), and her life motto of “it takes two to make an accident...I hate careless people (that’s why she likes Nick)” line suits her lifestyle and choices well.  She plays golf but cheats, she is dangerous (read: reckless) but she has the figure of a ‘sportswoman’ (thus beautiful and fit), she ain’t care what anyone thinks but she is too inviting and social to be considered unfeeling.  She comes across as too good for you (and she might be) but she isn’t too good to get her jollies in the process of dragging your heart around.  Very dynamic and necessary to drive the plot and provide Daisy/Gatsby background, but again, by the end of the book she has run her course.  When she and Nick talk about their relationship and what happened after Gatsby dies, she blows Nick off with ‘I’m engaged,’ and then dismisses him with the whole ‘I was wrong about you’ and “I thought you were rather an honest, straightforward person.”  WHAT. A. BITCH.  I always wondered if Fitzgerald was trying to blow off steam from some unfortunate event in his past with this exchange because Nick’s response of “I’m thirty...I’m five years too old to lie to myself and call it honor” is a solid, assholish comeback.  It leaves her speechless, and that’s what makes it so good.  Of course, readers are supposed to get a disgusted, visceral reaction by how Jordan, Tom, and Daisy turned out by the end of the novel.  The only difference is Tom and Daisy are sucky people and Jordan is just being cold to be cold because she can move on and no one will call her on it.  Nick didn’t do anything wrong.  FREE NICK!!!

Anyway, someone named Elizabeth Debicki or something is playing Jordan in the new film.

Mr. Nobody From Nowhere Is Making Love To Your Wife

Sexy, kinda...

Today's character:  Tom Buchanan

Luhrmann's Buchanan: Joel Edgerton

Past Toms:  Barry Sullivan, Bruce Dern, Martin Donovan

Okay, so begins my xenophobic, flag waving rant on Australian characters playing pure bred, corn fed Amerrrrricans.  It’s...not...that....big of....a deal (*shudders).  But really, my biggest issue with Edgerton as Tom is that I believe Bradley Cooper would have been a damn good Tom.  Dammit!  But, if Luhrmann feels better directing actors that he knows more about, then so be it.

Tom, described by some American actor as “the best character in the book. He’s so complicated...He’s xenophobic, he’s an alcoholic, but he also understands some profound stuff about class.”  Tom is an every-man.  He’s a young, rich Archie Bunker.  He’s everyone’s racist, beer drinkin' grandfather or father.  He says what he thinks no matter how anyone feels, and he gets what he wants by either being an asshole or a passive-aggressive douche.  He drinks, he cheats on his wife, but he also knows that all of it is fun and games.  And he never really learns anything.

That unnamed American actor also provides a warning to those playing Tom; “Whoever plays it has to take a gentle hand, because it could so easily be stock, where he’s a rich jerk you don’t identify with at all.”  So very very true.  Let’s loooook at how Edgerton stacks up.

Tales From Middle-Earth: The Sprint Center Just Wants To Be Loved

...and with just twenty cents per day, you can provide it with shoes and clean water.

Ah, the Sprint Center.  For those of you not familiar with the cereal bowl of dreams, allow me to enlighten you:  In the mid-2000s, some people more or less decided that Kemper Arena in Kansas City, Missouri was not doing all it could to attract a third (or fourth!) major professional sports team to Kansas City (what with all of the professional wrestling deaths and failing surrounding infrastructure).  So, a new arena (the Sprint Center) was imagined, designed, and built with help from the dream makers at AEG Imagineering with the intention of attracting large events to town and a NBA or NHL franchise. Since its opening in 2006, the building has hosted a multitude of events and is one of the most popular arenas in the United States.  But....it still remains that the NHL and NBA do not have teams here, as promised (or assumed, or said in passing-- I'm not a lawyer).  With the recent lockout of the NBA and the relocation of the NHL's Atlanta franchise to much smaller but hockey crazed/starved Winnipeg, Manitoba, the Sprint Center and Kansas City have come up in the almost bi- to tri-annual "Why is the Sprint Center and Kansas City so worthless?" discussions.  But really, it's not so worthless, and Kansas City is not as much of a shithole as some power line licking, nomadic, lonely, previously unemployed 'sports' writers would have you believe.

Those Jerks, Always Walking Over the Small Businessman

Look, I am not going to pretend like I know anything about the Casey Anthony trial because my only knowledge comes from hearing Nancy Grace put on her whole "LEMME JUSSAY" and "JUSTICE....for little Caylee...killed....and abandoned....in....the....woods" routine while passing relatives in the living room on my way to the kitchen.  As a heterosexual male with some sort of (any) life outside my house, I had absolutely no interest in the trial and questioned the morals of those that did, because, you see, I am an American, dammit.

What I do know is the only reason the Anthony trial was not as popular as the O.J. Simpson trial was because a car chase did not precede it.  Car chases are awesome, like this one, or this one, or these, ewww, even this one!!!  Oh man, how I do love a good car/tank chase.  (Sidenote: Worlds Wildest Police Chases, what a good ass show.)

But, that is not my point.  My point comes from what we see as a result of the trial.  It, uh, kind of brought out the worse in people and junk.

Go ahead and jump if you really care

Did You Hear About That Rob Bordson Trade?

Yes, it is.

But, for real, if you do not live in Canada or follow hockey, then you may not have heard.  In what is being called a blockbuster trade, The Philadelphia Flyers have sent 26 year old captain Mike Richards and 23 year old prospect Rob Bordson to the Los Angeles Kings in exchange for winger Wayne Simmonds, top prospect in hockey Brayden Schenn, and a 2012 2nd round draft pick.  Pretty exciting stuff.  But what of this Bordson fellow?  We shall explore.

If I ain't the worst that you've seen, so go ahead and jump.

Gatsby Character Profile: Because I Have a Microphone So You Will Listen To Everything I Have To Say

New feature, for as long as it lasts or as long as I care.  Whatever comes first.  Betting booths are now open.
As many of you may know, Australian director Baz Luhrmann will take a shot at the fourth (or fifth, depending on if you count lost films or count a straight to video release*) attempt at a movie of F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby.

Why have so many people attempted to make this book into a film, and why is no one content with the prior installments?  In short, the book touches on a lot of varying emotions while allowing the reader to partially identify with the narrator (Nick Carraway) because he just does not have a lot going on for him except his interactions with all of the characters to some extent.  It is a popular American novel, and loved by millions through many generations due to some sort of 'timeless' nature the book captures, and partying, lots and lots of partying.  Combined with the fact that everyone has an imagination of some sort, then BAM, you have got about a million different stage shows and film versions/parodies because everyone takes a different lesson from the book.  That's the short version.

What this feature intends to do is look at the cast (the seven most popular characters) of Luhrmann's upcoming film set to begin production sometime this year.  I will break down his choices and see if they are acceptable, because what I say matters in my mind.  Also, because Luhrmann dips into the vast talent pool of Australia, leading one to believe that he thinks that Americans had their chance and failed.  I will address this is once it occurs.  First up, Nick Carraway, the story's disconnected narrator and the semi-omniscient 'I' voice because Fitzgerald said so.

Go ahead and be borne back ceaselessly into the jump.

/dick joke

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

Go ahead and jump

Einhorn Is A Man

David Einhorn (not pictured)

This has certainly been a fun time in the world of baseball ownership, with the MLB taking over the assault-happy fanbased Los Angeles Dodgers due to the whole Divorce-gate issue and the Mets financial issues.  Well, the Mets may be able to soon have an owner-figure once again as Cayman Island reinsurer and part-time professional poker player (not a sport) David Einhorn may step in to take a majority ownership role.

Go ahead annnnnnd jump.

In the Double-D Challenge, Everyone is a Winner

Water wings just sound cool

It is easy to troll late-late night and early-early morning television and find bizarre and hilarious infomercials pushing products that probably do not work exactly how the TV shows.  It is also just as easy to spend an entire night poking fun of these items and the people that put on a bright smile to tell you how it changed their lives and will revolutionize the way people look at worthless crap.  Tonight, I will just present one of such items.

Go ahead, and...jump.

Prepare For the End! The End of High Prices!

So, May 21st, wait, now May 22nd, and we are all still here.  As much as I want to believe this happened, I would imagine that is not the case.  FamilyRadio media franchise leader Harold Camping's math must have been off again, and while I could lapse into ranting on the various degrees of meaning this held and why it was so popular, and the repercussions etc. etc., I will let others do that for me.  

Although there have been few times where I could say, "good journalism, folks," now would be one of those times.  So, good journalism, folks. 

Go ahead and jump for good journalism!

Uh, This...and Stuff...

Boobs, on the Internet...Vancouver Canucks....the, and...Ben Eager (ha)...Game 2...Western...nipple.

(NSFW and stuff) Here, here, here, here, here, and here.

Breast Stanley Cup Playoffs ever.

(Pic via)

YAY JOURNALISM!!!

Now, this is a problem. Obviously, for those of you who followed this story at all, Purdue's mens basketball coach, Matt Painter, decided to shun the rolling hills of Mid-Missouri and stay with his alma mater. But, that sure was a tense few hours, eh? STL Today and many other outlets declared the search party over, after Coach Mike Anderson played the Show-Me State for saps a short few weeks ago. Painter was declared the coach as early as 11:45am on Wednesday, and the posted picture from STL Today was updated at 2:00pm that same day with a similar message. Andy Katz's sources must have been more reliable 50 minutes later, because, well, you know. STL Today, and others, quickly retracted their celebratory statements.

Opening Day, Hooray, Hooray!

It's Opening Day here in the Land of Opportunity, and you know what that means...? Six or seven months of your indifference while the bloated Major League Baseball schedule slowly-but-slowly plays out. But, hey, it's still better than cricket, eh ESPN?

Might as well jump.

Snooki's Shore Thing

So, apparently Nicole Polizzi, better known as Snooki from MTV's Jersey Shore show has written a book, A Shore Thing. It made the New York Times Bestsellers list at some point earlier this year.

Surely, since you are reading this, you are probably competent enough to use the Internets and have heard something about Jersey Shore by now. If not, basically, it is a documentary meant to show how evolution has struggled on the shores of New Jersey. It is no wonder why so many religious groups speak out against it (or at least they should).

Annnyway, this is a wonderful review of Ms. Snooki's book. The reviews on Amazon provide a wealth of entertainment, so I urge you to check them out. I would be providing a disservice if I were to attempt funny when so many people have already done such a wonderful job for me. Enjoy.

Ceaselessly Beating Tobey Maguire Into the Past

Sometimes, I will read books. Yes, I know, it is the 21st century, but bear with me. My favorite book is F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby for various reasons that aren't important at the moment. I have watched every movie version of the book, all of which are criticized by fan boys like me for leaving something out or doing something differently. So, you cannot imagine my joy at the announcement of another version of the movie currently in production. Announced in 2008 or something, it is supposed to release next year some time (but probably not).

In more recent versions of the movie, Nick Carraway, the investigative narrator of the story, has been played by Sam Waterston, and, oddly enough, very well by Paul Rudd. In the new Baz Luhrmann venture, everyone's favorite Peter Parker, Tobey Maguire, is slated to be the new Nick Carraway. But, why?.

Go ahead and jump...and feel my rage.

Domestic Assault Isn't Funny (Unless Shown in Creative PSAs That Happen to be Funny)

This is the look of a man whose coffee has just been spilled

I know I am probably late on this, but bear with me. Calgary Home Front, self proclaimed as "united in breaking the cycle of domestic violence," may have created the best PSAs to date (I'm told these are from 2003). This video features a man eating with his kids. Within the clip, the classic line of "She spilled my coffee" is spoken, followed by a beat down of epic proportions, and pouring coffee all over the snarky waitress. The ending is great only because the kids to do not act like anything has happened (nor does anyone else in the restaurant). A strong, strong message sent, but nonetheless a hilariously ridiculous situation.

More after the jump.

Xenophobia's Shining Moment

During a search for a motel room for my pseudo-vacation to Colorado I will never be able to afford, I found a motel that did not fit the qualifications of some of its past guests (but, oddly enough, it did fit my price range). This particular motel featured seven terrible reviews, the first three commenting on the gross carpet, smell of the room, quality of the bathroom linens, etc. Typical stuff. Since negativity helps me sleep at night, I continued to read the reviews, finding this one you see above. Apparently, encountering a "Swiss couple visiting our country" is a big no-no when on vacation. How dare these Swiss come to this country and stay at what seems to be one of the worst motels in the state of Colorado, this is OUR COUNTRY!!! You have to admit, it is refreshing to no longer see attacks on Mexicans or Middle-Eastern people, and on Europeans again... these things work in cycles.

So beware when going to Colorado because is not free from strange European visitors. Moral of the story: The guv'ment can't put up a fence around the entire east and west coasts soon enough.